depressed

Dunno what happen to me exactly.
Clearly I need mentally caring asap.
Deep inside me, I'm wrecked, crushed.
I don't understand myself so howcome I can understand others?
I'm physically tired, for searching and gaining nothing.

I'm listening some songs now, from Ave Maria to Marcy day,
But all is inside my mind is busy by thinking
How do I get the best suicide.
What should I prepare and should I call police
Before I committed suicide so when I get hang (I decide hanging on the the door with a rope)thus when I'm finish they just come right in time to take care my dead body.

I've been thinking about this many times in a week
For long time, but till now sadly I'm still alive.
Hahahaa I'm coward , yes i'm in everything.

Ironically, my sist who always looks like cheer up, with her high confident and her social life, without thinking twice, drank pills to solve her problem with her boyfriend.

Supposed I didn't come in the right time, I lost her.

Yes, I pray, every day.
According to my religion, but it has no meaning for me.

I'm completely lost, alone and meaningless.

Kal Ho Na Ho

Refers to the title, i'm listening the song "Kal ho Na Ho " at this time , means as i found out in you tube as well "for tomorrow might never come"
this song is so sad to hear, simple word with deep meaning ,so perfectly matched with the movie, with the same title.
Every time i hear this song, it can comfort my heart and my emotion.
this song is so peaceful , feeling like when your mother hug you when you are down.

A friend, call me , and announce her happy news which i can guess just in the very moment she started to talk. She is pregnant and will prepare fir the wedding.
i feel so hipocryte for i congratulated her but my throat is strangled. And i keep my tone is flat when i said "congratulation"

I felt so worst, so stupid ...
so stupid that cannot hide jealously.
I'm sorry friend,, but you're the greatest example how this life cannot play fair to me.
Enjoy your perfect life i supposed.
as i try to enjoy mine, for tomorrow might not come for me.


XOXO