depressed

Dunno what happen to me exactly.
Clearly I need mentally caring asap.
Deep inside me, I'm wrecked, crushed.
I don't understand myself so howcome I can understand others?
I'm physically tired, for searching and gaining nothing.

I'm listening some songs now, from Ave Maria to Marcy day,
But all is inside my mind is busy by thinking
How do I get the best suicide.
What should I prepare and should I call police
Before I committed suicide so when I get hang (I decide hanging on the the door with a rope)thus when I'm finish they just come right in time to take care my dead body.

I've been thinking about this many times in a week
For long time, but till now sadly I'm still alive.
Hahahaa I'm coward , yes i'm in everything.

Ironically, my sist who always looks like cheer up, with her high confident and her social life, without thinking twice, drank pills to solve her problem with her boyfriend.

Supposed I didn't come in the right time, I lost her.

Yes, I pray, every day.
According to my religion, but it has no meaning for me.

I'm completely lost, alone and meaningless.

Kal Ho Na Ho

Refers to the title, i'm listening the song "Kal ho Na Ho " at this time , means as i found out in you tube as well "for tomorrow might never come"
this song is so sad to hear, simple word with deep meaning ,so perfectly matched with the movie, with the same title.
Every time i hear this song, it can comfort my heart and my emotion.
this song is so peaceful , feeling like when your mother hug you when you are down.

A friend, call me , and announce her happy news which i can guess just in the very moment she started to talk. She is pregnant and will prepare fir the wedding.
i feel so hipocryte for i congratulated her but my throat is strangled. And i keep my tone is flat when i said "congratulation"

I felt so worst, so stupid ...
so stupid that cannot hide jealously.
I'm sorry friend,, but you're the greatest example how this life cannot play fair to me.
Enjoy your perfect life i supposed.
as i try to enjoy mine, for tomorrow might not come for me.


XOXO

Please God , Look at me!

Hey God,

I'm sorry for being sinner,
i tried to be a good person but you know i'm not an angel.
Maybe everything i've done is not good enough yet... but you know i'm trying...

Things i dont understand,..everytime i ask and pray to You,
seemslike You're joking with my life..............
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
I ask an apple , an apple You gave me but a worm with in.

You know i only ask simple request, but why it never happens to me?
Am i that bad in Your great eyes?
i just wanna make my parents happy and proud of me.

Things never easy for me yet you don't help!

I'M very very Sorry , that i complain about Your authority , Your greatness

i just tell You what i feel ,
That's all

XOXO

Nice Weekend

This weekend ,
we just had lunch at Dapur Alam restaurant, and talked many things. i thought we just spent not longer that one hour, as i know he's such busy man.
But we're talking cheerfully, well actually he talked more than me, and seem we discuss about my future and on and on till three hours or more.

At the time his radiant shine on me,
in odd way i adore him, his such an angel, he makes me cry, but he always be my guardian in his way , and for this i think i would do anything for him.

For this God will curse me.

XOXO
Nophe

So This Hole,Better or Worst!??

Sorry for the long absence, i've got no time , when i have i prefer to lay down on my bed. Man , i'm such a bad sleeper, after all.

Things, from my new job environment are shocking me. Well, it's been two months i've been there but the other staff/ employee they rush to get out finding new places. What the hell is going on???? Did i got the wrong places again, hopely not, but they're reaction and story really intimidated me.

I haven't finished my probition yet, and i haven't known many things either.
But their story that based on their experience quite makes me worries of my future in this place.

Lately, i feel lil bit closer to God, yes i pray a lot, coz, i really need His protection,

Doing sales and marketing (marketing not yet) is fantastic, i'd love to learn new thing specially this stuff, as i planned before. But still i make mistakes, (maybe 'coz i'm the type of person who learns from making mistake?? I guess!!

Anyway, i pray for God to make me improved day by day so i can prove to them, that Yes! I Can! So i can feel days pass me fast and i will move forward.!


XOXO
Nophe

you are my vitamin C

when i said that i would decide to move out of Bali he's sooo sad (this is really surprising me , since i told him so just because i wanna see his reaction. Seeing him speachless for a minute and his sad mimic is just shocking me, and makes me sad with him too, though i am the creator of this drama). The thing i've worried about for all this time has come true. He's come too deep and thats not rite. the worst thing is i still cannot be separated with him, i still need him like vitamin C i always consume for my body. i dont know when i will be free from his influence, maybe i'll never will. 

XOXO

Nophe

New Job

SOOOOO SORRRRY

somehow i forgot that i have responsibility to always update my blog. things are going on so fast , so confusing for me rite now. well, actually it's been a month i've been doing as a hotelier. it's not perfect hotel  but i guest it's gonna be my place to learn new things about hotel business. i'm taking it as a new leap stone, and to have a leap stone surely you can not just take a five star hotel, you'l be die anyway. 

So far so good, thanks again to Allah swt who always protect and cope me wery well. 

Oh yeaa, forget to tell, i'm accepted as sales marketing in one of 3star Hotel in Legian, however i have to learn front desk first for a month (they said) before i move to sales marketing , 

No worries , i know me, i still have to learn lot of things, such as MYOH system and product knowledge as well, i've promised to myself to learn those thing wery well (quickly , i hope) and prove to them that they did the right thing to pick me. 

My impression for the new environment for all together is..... Fair!!

i dont wanna expect much ,, coz usually high expectation give bad result. (according to personal experience).

Wish me luck everyone. 

XOXO

nophe